


Options

by one_black_coffee



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Canon, Self-Indulgent, Sharing Clothes, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Sort Of, i don't actually remember any of their ages, i just want a hug, neck kisses because neil is a whore, so is Andrew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29893227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_black_coffee/pseuds/one_black_coffee
Summary: Neil could have sworn his heart stopped at that moment. He didn’t say a word, biting his lip to keep himself from speaking. Expectations were kept simple between them. Neil couldn’t even begin to imagine a situation if he thought it would make Andrew uncomfortable. He knew the same was true for Andrew. So the feeling of being allowed to hold Andrew so close was… a lot. Whether or not Andrew ever let Neil put his arm around him like this again, was unknown, but Neil wasn’t about to let something so precious go.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 159





	Options

It hadn’t been a bad day, not really. Stressful, exhausting, and damn near close to inducing homicidal rage, sure, but not a  _ bad day _ .

The new Foxes wore Neil down to new levels, making practices drag out longer than usual. Drills were tedious for all of them. A dropped ball meant an extra set of drills. A fumbled shot or pass had the same fate. Neil was harsher than the new recruits wanted to handle but he didn’t have time for their complaining. If they wanted to be good, they’d better pick up the slack and do their work, he told them. It was still early in the season. When they were better and ready to listen, he’d ease up. They just needed conditioning to break them of any bad habits. He wasn’t even as demanding as Kevin.

Foxes who had, eventually, become accustomed to Neil’s demanding nature as captain didn’t put up too much of a fight against him. Comments were muttered under panting breaths and Neil ignored them. Wymack trusted Neil to captain this group of troubled assholes, the least he could do was get them into shape before the real training began. The year as Dan’s vice-captain had been a year to learn to lead a group. He’d done his best, learning everything he could. He hadn’t been stupid enough to fool himself into thinking being the captain would be be anything short of entirely draining.

His first year as captain had at least granted Andrew by his side. Stubborn and impossible as always, but never late to back up Neil. A subtle hand on his back when the younger Foxes wouldn’t listen, an immovable force that got his way no matter what when later at night he’d stare Neil down until Neil pushed away whatever “Exy project” he had going on to instead crawl into bed after Andrew.

However, Neil was on his own this year. The rest of the Foxes graduated while Neil finished his last year at Palmetto. The summer after Andrew graduated had mostly been filled with Neil attempting to convince himself that he was in fact prepared for the coming year. For being away from Andrew for extended periods of time, for being on his own again. Andrew, begrudgingly, listened to his rants. Until he got tired of listening and either turned on the TV to drown out Neil or simply left the room.

It hadn’t been enough.

Neil was holding his own, working the Foxes into the ground and doing his school work. He had a few stunted conversations with Abby and Bee and longer talks with Wymack, generally about plays and drills, but not always. Phone calls with Andrew at night. Endless streams of messages from Nicky, to which he hardly ever replied. Rare and short exchanges with Kevin. Neil focused his energy into whatever he could find to keep him sane.

The freshman would catch on soon enough and he could relax some then, he told himself. Until then, he would keep working them into shape, and count down the days to whatever breaks Andrew could manage.

Andrew had more liberty to get away for a handful of days at a time to visit Neil than Neil had to visit Andrew. They’d agreed there would be no need for any trips in the near future before Andrew had left. They’d talk over the phone every night and that would be enough--- worry found itself knotted in Neil’s gut at the thought of being separated, just as it did Andrew’s but neither would admit it--- though they both quickly realized that was wrong.

Calling every night barely seemed to make up for anything. Neil would fall asleep on the call eventually and wake up to a disconnected line. Andrew would sigh and whisper a goodnight before hanging up. He was far from used to the feeling of  _ missing _ someone. He didn’t want to think about Neil’s stupid curls, his scars, the way he created new issues for himself everytime he opened his mouth. For a while, Andrew had simply refused to acknowledge the pull in his chest when he woke up to find Neil wasn’t in his bed. That lasted him a few weeks.

Once Neil started falling asleep even earlier, worn out from practices and school, Andrew stopped being able to force himself to not miss Neil. That was when he decided it had been long enough and he was coming to visit. But only because he was sure Neil would get himself killed if he didn’t, he told Neil.

Neil didn’t complain.

Andrew had a long weekend so he showed up on a Thursday. He texted Neil to let him know he’d let himself into Neil’s dorm. Neil was still at practice and wouldn’t be back for some time and probably wouldn’t bother to check his phone until he was back in his dorm. Andrew didn’t care. He made himself at home and waited, stealing Neil’s ice cream and cigarettes.

Neil didn’t check his phone. He had gotten much better about keeping it charged since Andrew left--- the threat of a quick death was incentive enough. But, he met with Wymack after practice for a general discussion about the progress he was making with the team. It didn’t last long, Neil exhausted and wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep forever kept his answers brief, waiting for Wymack to let him leave.

When he did finally make it back to his dorm, he unlocked the door and threw his bag to the floor. Andrew, having made his way to Neil’s bed--- simply because it was more comfortable than the desk, absolutely no other reasons--- looked up immediately. He raised an eyebrow, looking Neil up and down with a bored expression. “Finally made it?”

Neil had most definitely not been expecting to walk into his room after such a draining day to find Andrew in his room. His brain, half dead, lagged severely, leaving him staring wordlessly before he even fully took in the sight. “Is that my sweatshirt?”

Andrew shrugged, pushing himself off the bed and stopping a few feet short of Neil. “It’s more comfortable than mine.”

“Looks nice on you,” Neil said. Andrew didn’t reply. Small compliments had claimed a place in their lives over time, though neither of them knew how to respond.

They stood like that for minutes. Just looking. Andrew ignored the way his heart sped up the tiniest bit, preferring to fix Neil with a mild glare. Neil, on the other hand, was too overwhelmed with thoughts to speak. Gestures of affection, much like the compliments had secured a fairly regular spot in their relationship. Generally short-lived holding of hands, the occasional press of a kiss to a cheek or forehead, usually from Neil. They’d gotten used to those. 

Hugging, was something else. Neither had known enough kindness in their lives to be fully comfortable with hugs. As far as they were concerned, there was no need for that kind of physical touch. But standing feet away from Andrew for the first time in a month, Neil realized he wanted nothing more than to just  _ hug _ him. Not some sappy bullshit. Just a hug. A hello. A welcome back. To feel Andrew’s arms around him again and to be home again.

“You look ridiculous. And sweaty. Take a shower.” Andrew turned back to the bed. He sat down, pulling out a pack of cigarettes Neil recognized as the ones he kept in his nightstand.

“You’ll still be here when I get back?”

Andrew twirled a cigarette between his fingers. “Depends.”

“Don’t get ashes on my bed.” And Neil left to take a proper shower.

***

Andrew was still on Neil’s bed when he returned, freshly showered.

Andrew barely acknowledged his presence in the room, apparently too engrossed in whatever book he’d packed with him to care about Neil being in the room. Neil didn’t bother trying to get attention, instead going about his business. The laptop needed charging, the textbooks needed to put away and  _ not _ in a pile under the desk. He put away and cleaned up as much as he cared to before leaning back against his desk and staring at Andrew.

“What the fuck do you want?” Andrew closed his book, dropping it in his lap.

“I showered,” Neil said.

“Why yes, I can tell. Your hair is dripping all over the desk and floor. You look like a wet rat.”

Neil picked at the edge of his desk. Part of the fake wood was peeling off, something Neil had made much worse the more time he spent stressing at his desk. “You told me to shower.”

“Congratulations on having the memory of a child.” Andrew picked the book back up, flipping to a random page. He didn’t particularly care about the story. Boredom and his lack of trust in himself to not throw himself at Neil the second he walked in had made him pick it up in the first place.

Neil’s voice was soft. “Andrew?”

Andrew’s was less soft. “Neil?”

Neil found Andrew’s gaze and held it. He stayed put, refusing to move before he heard Andrew’s answer. “Can I hug you, yes or no?”

Andrew was still for a moment, pushing away every gut instinct that told him to push Neil away with a threat. It had been years of cautious touches and absolute answers. The part of him that was broken beyond repair, constantly wary of any looks people gave him, urged Andrew to get up and leave. The part of him that was slowly relearning to trust and to allow someone inside his barriers, held him still. This was Neil. The man who never questioned a “no” and treated every single “yes” like it was a gift. A hug was nothing that needed to be feared. So much as the smallest flinch and Neil would pull away completely, Andrew reminded himself.

“Yes.”

He watched Neil make his way over to the bed, sit as close to Andrew as he could without touching. His hands remained in his lap as he faced Andrew. Neil didn’t move any closer, waiting to gauge Andrew’s reaction to the proximity.

“I  _ said _ yes.” Andrew shifted closer so his fingertips brushed Neil’s arm. That was enough for Neil. He put his arms around Andrew’s shoulders and waited. He avoided any other contact between them, keeping his head lifted away from Andrew and his legs a safe distance away as well.

Andrew stiffened as Neil slowly put pressure on his shoulders, his breathing hitching as well as he reacquainted himself with the feeling of human contact. A month, apparently, was long enough for him to slightly revert back to his tension when it came to being touched. He clenched his fists at his sides and sucked in a breath before tentatively putting his hands on Neil’s sides. He knew Neil was waiting for a go-ahead to further the hug so he nodded slightly. He felt Neil let his head rest lightly against Andrew’s.

“Still okay?” Neil whispered.

Andrew nodded again, relaxing his hands and sliding them to rest against Neil’s back. Warmth seeped through the thin material of Neil’s shirt, making Andrew’s hands tingle. It had been long enough for his brain to forget how much he truly took comfort in the feeling of Neil being close. Dizzyingly, the warmth of Neil’s skin, the soft brush of his hair, the sharp tongue that only seemed to dull in the ways that mattered with Andrew, all served to make Andrew lean closer. His chin rested on Neil’s shoulder as he allowed himself to close his eyes.

Feeling the slight shift, Neil tightened his hold on Andrew ever so slightly and sighed. “I missed you. It was only a month and I missed your stupid face.”

If Neil noticed the way Andrew gripped the back of his shirt, he didn’t comment on it. “289%, Josten.”

“It’s been ten minutes and I’m already at 289%?” Neil chuckled, taking the raising of the percentage as a good sign.

“You have that effect on people.”

Neil grinned, turning his head towards Andrew. He kept his breathing as soft as possible, staying far enough away from Andrew’s neck to not touch but close enough that he knew Andrew could feel him breathing. “Actually, I’ve been told I’m rather interesting.”

Once again, Andrew nodded, knowing full well what Neil wanted and more than willing to let him have it. “I don’t know what idiot told you that, but they’re wrong.”

“If they were wrong, you wouldn’t be letting me stick around this long.” Neil kept his arms perfectly still but leaned in to press three kisses along the column of Andrew’s neck, delighted with the shivers they managed to draw from Andrew. He did it again, more of a test to see how far Andrew would let him go than anything--- except that wasn’t true because Neil was sure kissing Andrew’s neck was his favorite thing ever.

“Watch it, Junkie,” Andrew hissed.

Neil kissed his neck again, earning himself another shiver and Andrew’s hands in his hair. “You like it.”

“No,  _ you  _ and your creepy neck fetish like it. I just put up with you.”

Neil hummed, paying no attention to Andrew’s words. The hands in his hair, the feeling of finally being close to Andrew again, the way Andrew continued to shiver now and then even when Neil wasn’t kissing him were all far more important than any of Andrew’s denials. Any more bullshit complaints or raised percentages were eventually cut off completely, Andrew too far lost in Neil to put any effort into being a stubborn bitch.

At some point, Neil’s hands had found new positions: one holding himself up on the bed, and the other resting just under the sweatshirt, on Andrew’s waist. Neil noticed the way Andrew flinched at the new contact and made to pull away but Andrew stopped him. Neil knew better than to push it any further, so he left his hand there and kissed his way along Andrew’s jaw.

“Neil. Stop.” Andrew put his hand flat against Neil’s chest and propped himself up on his elbows.

Neil immediately pulled away, moving backwards to the edge of the bed without a question to put space between them. He ran a hand through his hair, waiting for Andrew to speak or move. A quiet nagging in his mind worried he’d pushed too far, shattering the trust Andrew had allowed him to keep.

But Andrew sat up fully, moved forward to kiss Neil’s cheek, and said, “It’s late, that’s all. You have to be up in the morning.”

“I don’t have to be up  _ that _ early.”

“Well, I spent all day driving down to see you so I’m fucking tired and want to go to sleep.” Andrew stood up and walked to Neil’s dresser, pulling out a pair of pajama pants. Expecting Andrew to throw them to him, Neil held out his hand. When Andrew just gave him a bored look, Neil realized.

“Those are mine.”

“And so is the hoodie. You’re learning to be as observant as a sixth grader, how convenient.” He carefully rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie, exposing the black armbands wrapped tightly around his forearms. He sat down on the bed again, holding them out to Neil, expecting something but not saying  _ what. _

“...Do you seriously have knives in those right now?” Neil asked, tentatively reaching out to bring one of Andrew’s arms closer. Andrew let him.

“No. They’re in my bag. Driving hours with them is annoying.”

“Oh,” Neil said. Assuming Andrew had wanted him to remove the knives from his arms was a bit of a stretch--- the few times Andrew had asked Neil to take the knives were reserved for important or substantially life-altering moments--- but no other possibilities came to Neil as to what Andrew could have been expecting.

Andrew shifted impatiently. “Are you going to stare all night or are you going to take them off?”

It was subconscious to hold onto Andrew tighter. Neil didn’t notice he’d even done it until Andrew glared at him. Removing Andrew’s armbands had never been an option before. Andrew made it more than clear he was capable of undressing himself so Neil never pushed beyond that. Direct sight of Andrew’s arms hadn’t even been given an opportunity. When Andrew was comfortable enough to bypass his armbands around Neil, he had on long sleeves. Neil never asked, having seen proof enough of Andrew’s suffering.

Neil apologized quietly for holding on tighter, loosening his grip until Andrew relaxed enough to put his arm back in Neil’s hand. “Are you sure?”

“If I weren’t, do you think I’d be doing this?”

Yes. Neil knew he would. Andrew flew between two extremes: slashing the throat of anyone who so much as looked at him for too long, and forcing himself into situations that made him uncomfortable as if that would make him more comfortable. Neil also knew, however, that voicing any of that would mean Andrew leaving.

Neil didn’t respond, unwrapping the fabric from Andrew’s arms while being careful to avoid touching Andrew. As soon as Neil had taken one band off, Andrew withdrew his arm and pulled the hoodie back down, completely covering the skin. He did the same the moment Neil uncovered his other arm.

Andrew stood and Neil caught at the sleeve of his hoodie. “Why do you hide them?”

“Why do you hide yours?”

“I don’t.” Andrew pointedly looked at the matching armbands that were so often wrapped around Neil’s arms that had been draped over the desk chair earlier that day. “I don’t hide them from you.”

“How brave of you.”

“Other people would ask too many questions. You don’t.”

“That’s because you came running back to the Foxes. We all know what happened.”

“I didn’t come running back, you tore the world apart to find me. Choked Kevin.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes. “300%.”

“Not an answer.”

Andrew sighed. He pulled free from Neil, being let go without a fight. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against Neil's desk, mimicking Neil’s earlier posture. “An answer to what?”

“Why you always hide your arms, even when it’s just me.”

“Do I need a reason?”

Neil shook his head. “No.”

Andrew considered Neil for a moment before coming to a decision in his mind: he walked out of the room and to the bathroom to change.

Neil shrugged off his shirt and crawled under the sheets, leaving room for Andrew against the wall. Abrupt endings to conversations were easy enough from which to move on. If Andrew didn’t want to say anything more, he’d leave. Neil had gotten used to that fact.

Having changed into Neil’s clothing--- that was just big enough to be baggy--- Andrew shoved his own clothes into the bag at the foot of the bed and walked back to Neil. He studied the arrangement for a moment, then said, “Move over.”

Neil did as he was told, shifting until his back was against the wall and Andrew was next to him. This was new. Andrew always slept closest to the wall, facing Neil. On occasion, Andrew would put his arm over Neil’s waist and they’d fall asleep with Andrew’s chest pressed against Neil’s back. Neil watched Andrew settle in, clicking off the bedside lamp.

“Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

With that, Andrew turned away from Neil and put his head down on the pillow. Neil followed suit, cautiously laying down and keeping space between them. They stayed like that, in the dark and silence, for a bit. Neil, counting in his head to occupy his mind, and Andrew telling himself over and over that it was just Neil. Eventually, Andrew looked over his shoulder, squinting in the dark to see Neil and asked, “Well?”

“Are you capable of being more specific with your requests?”

“Are you capable of not being an idiot?” Andrew reached back to find Neil’s hand in the darkness. He held it in the air, fingers slowly slotting themselves against Neil’s, before lowering it so Neil’s arm was over his waist. Andrew held onto Neil’s hand painfully tightly; the only other signs of his fight to beat the discomfort rising in him were the shallow breaths he took and his sudden rigidness.

Neil stayed quiet, not daring to move. He could feel the twitching of Andrew’s fingers against the back of his hand, the way he’d gone from somewhat-pliable to complete-and-utter-stone. Eventually, Andrew relaxed his grip and let some of his tension leave his body. Neil’s hand was warm and covered in all the scars Andrew easily recognized as Neil.

Andrew shifted backwards ever so slightly, barely brushing his back against Neil’s chest. “Okay?”

“I am.”

Quiet filled the room around them. Slow breathing and sheets ruffling every time Neil moved his legs were the only sounds. Andrew kept Neil’s arm around him just as he kept their hands connected and resting on the mattress in front of him. Neil made sure to keep the distance Andre had put between them. Neither of them drifted towards sleep, simply laying in each other’s presence and adjusting to the new position.

Much to Neil’s surprise, Andrew broke the silence first.

“It isn’t intentional.”

Neil focused his eyes on the back of Andrew’s neck. “What isn’t?”

“Hiding my scars.” As cool and calm as Andrew’s tone was, Neil didn’t miss the way he fiddled with his fingers without thinking. “It’s more of a habit, a necessity. Not hiding them was never an option.”

“It’s an option now.”

“...I know.”

Neil squeezed Andrew’s hand gently--- to keep himself from leaning forward to pull Andrew against him or as whatever comfort he could offer, not even Neil knew. “I didn’t mean it to sound like I expect you to not hide them.”

“I know.” Again, Andrew shifted. His eyes were firmly shut but he only had to move about an inch to be pressed against Neil. The hoodie was too thick to be able to feel Neil’s scars but the scars lining Neil’s hand were enough to keep Andrew from panicking.

Neil could have sworn his heart stopped at that moment. He didn’t say a word, biting his lip to keep himself from speaking. Expectations were kept simple between them. Neil couldn’t even begin to imagine a situation if he thought it would make Andrew uncomfortable. He knew the same was true for Andrew. So the feeling of being allowed to hold Andrew so close was… a lot. Whether or not Andrew ever let Neil put his arm around him like this again, was unknown, but Neil wasn’t about to let something so precious go.

“Drew?”

“Go the fuck to sleep.”

“Not tired.”

“Get tired.”

“Jackass.”

“Fuck you.”

“Yes or no?”

Andrew paused. “Fuck you.”

Neil laughed--- his breath passed over Andrew’s skin and they both pretended to be blind to the way Andrew shivered again. “Is that a no?”

“...No.”

Neil smiled to himself and pressed a single kiss against Andrew’s shoulder before putting his head back down on the pillow. Andrew’s hair brushed against his cheek. It had been too long since he’d last gotten to feel Andrew’s hair, Neil thought.

“What was that?”

“A kiss.”

Neil could practically feel Andrew’s eye roll. “ _ Why _ .”

Neil shrugged. “Your shoulders are tense.”

“Disgusting,” Andrew said, all but melting against Neil. He’d driven for so long and it really was getting late. Had he been more awake, maybe he would have been cautious allowing Neil to have so much control over him. But, he was tired and Neil’s scars were ever present reminders, just like the rise and fall of Neil’s chest as he--- oh so gently--- held Andrew.

“You love it.” Neil was grinning.

“Go to sleep.”

“Okay, Drew.”

“You told you you could call me that?”

“No one,” Neil said. “But you’re a bad liar with me. I know you like it just like you like it when I kiss your neck. I know you.”

That should have made Andrew’s eyes burst open and had him out of the dorm in seconds. The idea of being  _ known _ was dangerous, and even more dangerous still, was  _ actually _ being known by someone. Except, that someone was Neil. And Andrew  _ knew _ Neil just as well as Neil  _ knew _ Andrew. There was no exertion of power between them. It was an equal laying down of barriers, letting the other figure out what and who they were.

“Shut up.” There was no bite to his words.

“Goodnight, Andrew.”

Andrew waited until he heard Neil’s breathing even out to whisper, “Goodnight, Neil.”

He could feel Neil smiling against his neck. He didn’t say anything.


End file.
